Against Cold Skin

Hello, World.

I really debated posting this piece but I think it’s somethng important that people should know.

This is a really heavy topic, so please if you are sensitive to the topics of depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts or attempts then this is a warning for you.

Imagine this and take a walk in my shoes.

Imagine being surrounded by people and feeling mind numbing loneliness. Imagine doing the things that normally bring you so much happiness and enjoyment, only to realize that instead you feel nothing. Imagine wanting to tell the people closest to you, how empty you feel inside but you can’t bring yourself to do it. Imagine the sting of a razor against your skin. It is the only thing that reminds you that you are alive. It is the cold voice that whispers,

 

You are useless. You mean nothing. You are nothing. The world would be better off without you.

And you are left in the dark, unable to see what is right in front of you. Stumbling blindly through a life that seems pointless as everyone else run past you. You are left in the dust. It feels like it’s you against the world and no one understands.

But you are deaf to the sounds of people banging on your door, begging you to let them in.

Because you are scared. You are scared of being disappointed and being a disappointment. Scared of the unknown and change. Terrified of leaving everything that you know, even if what you know is exactly what’s hurting you because for you that is normal. It’s what you are used to.

And so you take the razor again and again, gliding it across your skin countless times because it’s all you know. Because it’s the only thing you understand. It will continue until you start to carry it around wherever you go, a constant reminder.

“You are worthless. I am the only one who understands you,” a quiet voice whispers, “I am the only one who can help you. Rely on me and no one else.”

You agree and do exactly what that voice says.

You start feeling more numb than ever before. Nothing matters. So you just start giving up on everything. Your life has become nothing more that mere existence, from day to day you are pulled along by the currents of life until you just sink to the bottom and give up.

Everything is dark. It’s cold and silent. Nothing to remind you that you’re still alive but for the faint pulse of your heart beating in your ear.

But now imagine this.

Imagine that feeling of coming out of a dark theater. Sunlight flooding your eyes, so bright that you have to squint and shield your face. Imagine the feeling breaking the surface of the water and the sounds of the wind and the waves comes crashing down on you.

You hear the people who have been calling you for the first time. You see their faces, the concern and care they feel for you. You see the chains and weights that have been weighing you down and the strange thing is they feel lighter. You’re crying but not out sadness but from relief because you realize that people do care about you. You hear things like,

I care about you,

 Let me care about you,

I love you.

Then you realize that you aren’t alone. You’ve just been blindly following someone who claimed to be your friend but was slowly poisoning you. And you took that poison without a seconds hesitation.

But now it’s different.

The road to recover wouldn’t be easy. You’ll slip and fall, be pulled back into those dark depths more than a few times. But now there are people who know and try their best to understand and help. To lend an ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. To be someone who won’t judge.

It’ll be a long time until you’re able to trust them fully. But that trust will build for as long as you continue to let them in.

The scars will fade and the chains will fall away one by one.

I made a choice this week. I’ve chosen to get better. I’ve decided that I won’t let Depression win anymore. I want to do more than just exist. I want to live and thrive. I want to feel my emotions to the fullest extend and not be afraid of the unknown. I want to dive headfirst into it instead.

I’ve thrown away my razors and I refuse to rely on them anymore. I’m going to live my life the way I want to and Depression isn’t going to hold me back.

What do you think? If you’ve made it all the way through my waffling then thank you. Do you have any experiences with depression? How does it affect you? Have you ever met anyone with depression? 

Until next time, World.

Quill, signing off x

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