This weekend was something…
I am currently more emotionally drained than I have been in a while. Which honestly isn’t saying much –only a few weeks- but considering I used to feel this way almost every other day, I feel especially winded.
But I’m getting ahead of myself so let me rewind.
This past Saturday, I went to visit some old friends from high school. At first another friend was going to come with me but she couldn’t make it in the end. So I went alone. No one knew I was going to be there and as I walked up to the building my heart pounded in my chest. Trepidation and anxiety went through me with every step.
And, if I’m being honest, I was still angry at these people. The ones I still considered sorta-kinda-friends, the ones who I loved and who I thought loved me, never came to my defense or helped me when I went through in my post The Ugly Truth Part 1: Shit Piles Up. I wanted them to know all the fucked up crap I had to deal with. But none of them did, not really. I wanted them to be angry for me, so I wouldn’t have to.
I know this wasn’t fair of me to want and I don’t feel like this anymore. But at the time, I wanted to feel like someone else was in my corner. I wanted to feel like I had someone to fall back on. But I guess, if I did get what I want, I wouldn’t have turned out like I did. And who am I to say that would’ve been a good thing? I don’t know who I’d be now if none of that had happened and I never will.
When they saw me, I couldn’t hold back the joy and relief that felt. In that moment, it didn’t matter what happened in the past. And on top of that, I was relieved that Eve wasn’t there. I knew that if she were there, I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy myself.
But, Dick was there.
And he wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Coward. Oh how I wanted to tell everyone what kind of person he really was. Insecure. Abusive. Pathetic to the point of pity. And a disgusting excuse of a human being. I wanted to get everyone’s attention and shout it at them. But I didn’t.
I held my head high and laughed and smiled with no restraint. I let myself be me without holding back.
Now don’t get me wrong, if he had said or done something then I probably would’ve punched him. In that case, I wouldn’t have been the one to start anything but I sure as hell would’ve been the one to end it.
Regardless, I walked away the bigger person.
Whew, that was just Saturday. Today I went through an emotional ordeal but for a completely different reason.
I fell in love…
With a puppy. A gorgeous baby German Shepard. Only eight weeks old, all I had to do was look into her big brown eyes and I was doomed. All this little lady wanted to do was snuggle and give kisses. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to give her the home she deserves. I had to leave without her.
Now I’m suffering from puppy withdrawals.
And now I’m kinda dealing with a crappy end to the weekend.
I love my mom. But sometimes (like now) I don’t like her. She can be fun, loving, and understanding. However, she can also be passive-aggressive and judgmental. She’s always been like this, ever since I can remember. And in the end she acts like she did nothing wrong. It makes me feel upset and attacked. I want to tell her how I feel but I physically can’t.
So that’s where I’m at as of right now. Anxious, depressed, and choking on my own emotions. Whoop-di-fuckin-do…
Sad Quill is sad.
Until next time,