I know I said I would have another poem last week but I forgot. Whoops. Right after I talked about how things are starting to look up, I am once again spiraling out of control.
Because people and circumstances keep telling me the same thing over and over again:
I can’t do anything right.
Every time I try, someone or something comes along and tells me I can’t. It’s disheartening to say the least. Because I try. I try so hard to get through a single day at a time that it physically pains me and I hate it when I realize that my efforts are fruitless.
The other night. I was up pretty late writing and because I was so inspired that I just couldn’t stop. But when I told someone this, all they said was that I was basically wasting my time.
I was wasting my time doing something I love. One of the few things that I honestly, truly love. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? Because here’s the thing, writing (and just generally being creative) makes me feel alive. It makes me feel as though I am doing something worthwhile. Creativity is my lifeline.
Without it, I might as well not exist.
Some of you will probably think I’m over exaggerating.
I’m really not.
And it makes me so angry and depressed when others don’t see that. I literally need to be creative to live, otherwise I don’t see the point in trying. The more I think I can offer this spark inside of me, the longer I feel as though I can put off my inevitable death.
But now I’m at that point again where I’d rather live in a fictional universe filled with danger than live in this world where I have no purpose. That’s a story for another time though.
That’s all for now.
~ Miss Misfit x