Recently, I’ve been thinking about people. This is already getting off to a bad start.
But I’ve been thinking about why people come into our lives. Sometimes it’s common interests, sometimes conflicts, and sometimes it just feels like random chance.
And sometimes, I just really fucking hate it. I hate it because I can’t predict what other people are going to do. I mean, I can guess but I can’t know 100%. And that freaks me out ‘cuz I’m a goddamn control freak. But that’s besides the point.
The point is, there are over seven billion people on this planet and somehow I’ve crossed paths with such specific people. Some of them I met early on, during the time that I can barely remember. Some of them were taken so soon that I have little to remember them by. Some I’ve drifted away from, paths once intertwined now separate. Some who’ve made an impact on my life, both good and bad. Some I wish I had never met at all.
Not too long ago, I was told that the people I’ve met have shaped me into the person I am today. It’s something I’ve heard many times before and I used to love that. It made me feel connected to others, that no matter what, a part of them lived in me. But now I hate it.
Because I hate the person I am today.
I’m angry and sad and distrusting.
I can’t open myself up to others.
I can’t maintain more than a few relationships.
And I’m hurting.
To the people that came into my life, to the people that helped shape me into the person I am today:
For the most part, we had something good. And I know it’s immature or naive to think that absolutely all of my relationships will turn out peachy. That’s not human nature. There will always be conflict and differences, but why did it have to turn out this way.
Before, I could love openly. I wore my heart on my sleeve because I was proud.
Now I feel as though I’m a bird with its wing pinned to the ground and I don’t know how to free myself.
Now I wonder who I would be if I hadn’t met those people.
Would I have been better off? Why did I have to meet them? Why did I have to get hurt? Why did I have to trust them? Will I ever meet them again?
The answer to all of the above:
I don’t know.
Life is so full of diverging paths. Crossroads that bring people together and split them apart. I don’t know how or when or if we’ll ever meet again. I don’t know if I want to.
Because there are over seven billion people in the world, so what are the chances?
~ Miss Misfit x