So I’m sure this is obvious—if it isn’t, then welcome! You must be new—but my “default emotion” it anger. Once again, if you’ve been with me for a while this shouldn’t surprise you.
But yeah, I have a short temper. The smallest things can piss me off but the problem is I can’t let it out. I can’t scream or throw a tantrum because I was taught to keep my anger under control. At most, I make jokes about it so someone will hopefully get the hint. But more often than not, that doesn’t work.
I’m a pissy, bitchy person but I can’t show anyone that because I’m supposed to be the happy-go-lucky gal with no worries.
Yet another thing to add to the list of thing that piss me off.
I have never once thrown the full force of my anger in someone’s face. I keep it in; in check and under wraps.
And I’m so sick of it.
I wish I could just scream at someone. I wish I tell people what’s really on my mind but every time I want to my jaw clamps shut and I force myself to take whatever shit they’re throwing at me.
I’m like the fucking Hulk. I’m always fucking angry but unlike him I can’t go batshit crazy and start throwing things/people around. And that’s the most infuriating thing of all!
Because on the outside I just have my resting bitch face—which, more often than not, is unintentional—and people kinda just write me off. But on the INSIDE, I’m screaming like a goddamn banshee.
Now I’ve admitted bits of this to other people, the bare minimum. And many have told me to get into combative sports. Ways to fight and get out my anger in a constructive, healthy way.
Hah! News flash! I’ve already tried that and it doesn’t help. What it does do, is make me feel even angrier. You see, my anger isn’t the kind of thing that stops after one sparring match. Hell, it doesn’t even ease up. I don’t want to pull my punches because I’m in some boxing class that doesn’t want you to go all out against your peers. I want to get into a fight for the sake of beating my opponent into the ground. If I’m in a fight the only way it’ll end is with me standing over someone’s body and/or being dragged away from said person.
At this point, you’re probably thinking something along the lines of, “Holy shit, this lady is fucking insane,” and honestly I don’t blame you.
I’ve never been able to get my anger out in a healthy way. It’s a real problem that I don’t know how to deal with. I can never just “let it go”. It just stays bottled up inside me and when I explode I end up lashing out at myself.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired of being angry. But I can’t just Hulk out and smash everything to pieces. Not without getting arrested at least. At this point, that almost, almost sounds preferable to the way I’m feeling if it means I can get all this shit out of my system.
If that doesn’t tell you how fucked up I am, then I don’t know what will.
Anyways, that’s all for now. So until next time guys, thanks for sticking with me.
~ Miss Misfit
P.S. If it wasn’t obvious, I feel like I have a spiritual connection to the Hulk. What does that say about me?