At the Edge
Always wear long sleeves, it doesn’t matter that it’s summer and you feel like you’re melting, you can’t let them see the scars. Laugh when someone says something even remotely funny, even when it really isnt. Even though everything hurts and You feel hollow. And make sure you smile whenever someone looks at you, no matter what. Let them believe the facade and don’t let them see the emptiness behind your eyes. Wear a little more makeup than usual, hide the dark circles and wear waterproof everything just in case. Stop spacing out! They’re starting to notice… You’re acting different, you’re going to blow your cover! How many times are you going to wear the same thing over and over, it’s getting old. You look like shit. This is getting pathetic, why are you even trying anymore. You should just stop.
Apply your makeup carefully. It’s the last time, you might as well try to look beautiful. Don’t let it smudge. Put the pills in your bag first and don’t let anyone see, cover them with your books. Say goodbye and let your mom drive you to class. Smile, wave. Don’t let the concern in her eyes distract you from what you have to do. Pretend to pay attention to your professor but don’t worry, it won’t matter soon. Focus on writing the notes, each one short and to the point. Tear them out of your journal and fold them carefully, tucking them behind the front cover. Stop by the bathroom when you’re dismissed and check your makeup one last time. Take the pills. Now walk up the overpass. Ignore the cars passing you, they’ll ignore you too, and look over the edge. Lean over the cold concrete, keep your eyes on the cars flying below you. And when an Angel stops beside you, don’t let her hold you back. Don’t let her pleas keep you from doing what you must. Don’t let her arms wrap around you. Don’t show how much pain you’re really in. Don’t let her know that she makes you want to live again. Then let the fog take over. Give up the fight. And maybe let yourself hope, just a little bit.
Try to be honest.
Try to be open.
Try looking up.
Try to let yourself feel again.
Throw away the razors and the matches and the lighter.
Grab a marker instead.
Remember to take your medicine.
Shower at least once a day.
Wash your face and brush your teeth.
Try to smile at yourself in the mirror.
Go for a walk.
Drink lots of water.
Let yourself heal.
Take it one day at a time.
Wow, I didn’t expect things to get so heavy but I’m glad it did. This is my story of my fight with depression and anxiety. The condensed but accurate version. I think this might be the most explicit I’ve been with these feelings in a long time but I’m glad I was.
Again, this is just what I’ve been through and I’m not romanticizing mental illnesses. I’m just being honest with my experience. It’s my way of coping and healing.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with their mental health then please reach out. There are so many people that want/can help.
Here’s a list of resources I’ve posted before:
- Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000 (Available 24/7)
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
- 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
- Spanish Speakers: 1-888-628-9454
- The Hard of Hearing: 1-800-799-4889
- Veterans: 1-800-273-8255 (Available 24/7)
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Helpline:
- 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (Available 24/7)
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline:
- 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) (Available 10AM – 6PM EST, Mon-Fri)
- Teen Line:
- 1-310-855-HOPE (4673)
- 1-800-TLC-TEEN (852-8336) (Available 6PM – 10PM PST) (Also available by texting “TEEN” to 839863)
Remember, you’re not alone in this, I promise.
Stay safe out there,
Until next time x