I feel like it’s been a while since I just sat down and talked about my life right now. And if you’ve been following me these past couple weeks then you might have noticed something. Maybe. I’ve gotten a little- no, I’m too good at hiding my feelings so I wouldn’t blame anyone for not noticing.
But the truth is I’m more depressed and anxious than I have been in a while. And I’ve been in denial of this for about two months. Then maybe a week and a half ago, I finally just broke down. I cried so hard, for so long that my head felt like it was being split in two.
It’s also the first time in a while that I’ve really let everything out. This is really bad for me in particular, specifically for two reasons: A) when I feel any emotion (or lack of), I feel very passionately. It’s as though I’m literally incapable of feeling anything half-assed. And B) when you bottle up all those emotions, force them down, and pretend to be okay– well, the resulting cascade of feelings is a lot to say the least.
Stepping back now, I see that it’s been affecting me in so many other areas in my life. Work stresses me out more than ever. It’s been hard for me to maintain the important relationships in my life. Getting out of bed normally is almost physically impossible because my body is ridiculously tense and I’m in pain.
And as far as this blog, I’m not happy with the content I’m posting. I feel like posting here has become just another thing that I do but I don’t enjoy it like I used to. But I also don’t want to stop because I can’t imagine stopping.
And don’t worry, this post isn’t a “cry for help”. I know what I have to do and I know I can do it, I just need to be patient with myself… Something I’m still not that great at doing but I’m working on it.
Which leads me to this next bit; I’ve decided to start talking to a therapist again. And depending on how that goes, I’m thinking that maybe getting some help through medication might also benefit me.
I don’t know when this depressive episode will end or even get better, but I do know I want to get through it so I’ll count that as a victory, for now.
I’m also thinking of changing my posting schedule for the time being so that I’m putting up Babbles on Tuesday, poems on Thursdays, and no shorts for a bit. Not that my recent ones have really been shorts. Or good. Or maybe I’ll just keep normal Monday posts and just change poetry times, we’ll see.
But that’s all I have to say for now,
Until next time x