So I know I said I would post these Babbles on either Mondays or Tuesdays, but I’ve changed my mind because I need to take care of me and my health. Mental, emotional, and physical. So I’m gonna post today. Am I gonna post a poem this week? I have absolutely no clue. But let’s cut to the (more) important stuff.
Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment. Not a big deal, right? Just a regular check up and chit chat with my new doctor; who I already love.
So I’m gonna get real, like REAL. Starting with the fact that doctors are super personal, as they should be. They have to know as much about you as possible in order to properly diagnose any problems you have then move forward with the proper steps. It’s because of this that I’m not embarrassed about being super cough open with my doctor(s). I have to tell them what’s going on with my body so they know if it’s something they can help me with.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s start from the beginning of the appointment. I get to the office and the first thing the nurse has me do is step on the scale.
I already knew that I’m overweight. I’ve put on a lot of weight over the last four years, more than what is considered healthy. The reason? Anxiety, stress, medication, and overall unhealthy habits. And even though I’m consciously trying to change how I view myself, seeing the number on the scale made it feel a lot more real. I’ve touched on this a few times and I’ll leave a link to those posts at the end of this Babble.
So that’s how my day started.
Next part of the visit. My doctor comes in and goes through the routine; talking about my chart (medical history), checking for anything irregular, etc.
One thing they brought up was a note I wrote: Drug Overdose. This, of course, refers to my suicide attempt in 2016. We talked briefly about past medications and therapy, as well as what I’m doing currently to keep up my mental health; that being more counseling.
Then they started examining my torso and legs. I have to say it here, but you’d have to be pretty unobservant to not notice my scars. They aren’t fresh, but they aren’t invisible. My doctor asked about them and I admitted that they were self-harm scars. It was hard to actually say it, especially in a situation that’s so personal and real.
So in short, yesterday was a little harrowing to say the least. Lots of feelings came up and as many of you know, dealing with emotions isn’t my forte.
Buuut I’m trying. And I have some things that I’m going to start doing in my life. If you’re interested, I’m gonna list them here. If you aren’t… how exactly did you get this far in the post? Alright, leggo:
Maintaining a daily/weekly exercise regimen and a healthy diet is hard. I know from personal experience that saying I’m gonna exercise every day and stop eating shitty food is a one-way ticket to failing. So instead, I’m gonna do ten squats, ten crunches, and ten tricep dips. All of which really shouldn’t take more than ten minutes (if I’m going really, really slow). Wow, I really like the number ten. Regardless, this is absolutely and totally doable for me. So yeah, expect daily updates of me looking unfit. And as far as my diet, I don’t have a clear goal but I am trying to be conscious of what I’m eating and what I’m putting in my body. I also need to stop eating so late and eating just when I’m bored. What is comes down to is being conscientious, something that Anxiety already contributes to and that I can turn into a positive.
I have decided to start talking to a therapist again. But because meeting a therapist in person is a luxury that I can’t afford right now (due to circumstances that I can’t do anything about yet), I’m going to be using an online form of counseling. I’ve already gotten the hard part over with (signing up) and now I’m just waiting to be paired with a therapist.
I don’t think it’s a secret that I often use a lot of self-deprecating language, whether as a joke or otherwise. But I’ve found that the more I say these awful things about myself, the more I start to believe them. My goal here is to relearn how to have empathy and compassion for myself. If and when I say/think something negative about myself, I’m going to stop for a minute. I’ll pause, breathe, then replace my negative statement with something more constructive.
So that’s the plan. I do think it looks like a lot, but I feel like that’s just because I’m a long-winded writer. But I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a while.
Until next time x
Posts about weight: