Before you start reading, consider listening to me instead.
Hey, it’s been a while.
I’m not entirely sure if I’ve talked about this before, especially since I’ve talked about so much here, but I have a hard time connecting with people.
Okay, that’s not entirely true.
I don’t have a problem connecting. I’m a highly sensitive and empathetic person. No, connecting isn’t the problem. It’s holding onto that connection.
My relationships with most people are like fireworks. They’re bright and exciting in the beginning and then they fade to nothing. Just void and darkness and quiet. And it sucks. A lot.
I could probably blame a number of things but honestly, I don’t trust people. Not easily. And people I thought I could trust with my life, people that I thought would be in my life forever- well, they aren’t here anymore. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, but I don’t know if that pain will completely go away.
But in the aftermath of losing those people, I turned to other things to fill that emptiness. My motives may have changed some days, but all I wanted was to feel connected.
For someone who tries really hard to keep people at arm’s length, I’m an attention whore.
But like so many of the others, those relationships fizzled out and I was left in the dark.
I think it was at this point where this blog became something of an obsession. Every “Like” turned into a connection that I craved. It was attention for a connection-starved creator.
As you can imagine, it was not a healthy relationship.
It wasn’t until recently that I found people that I really want to connect with. And not only that, they want to connect with me too. And even more than that, I feel like I can trust them. Am I one hundred percent open and honest? No. But I feel like I’m actually building a relationship with them.
So how did I meet them? The Internet, obviously.
It’s something that’s become more and more common over the past couple years but some people are still pretty shocked and probably uncertain when I mention that most (read: all) my friends are online. But for me, it works.
One person I met almost two months ago and another group just over a month ago. And I think I can say pretty confidently that I love them.
I’m blown away by how much they’ve gotten me to open up in such a short amount of time. I’ve started singing and dancing again, things that I thought I’d lost the confidence for but they are ridiculously encouraging. I’m even considering taking up drawing again. Something that I really don’t have confidence in.
I could be having a completely crap day but catching up with them always manages to put a smile on my face. And there’s no pretending, I don’t have to. I can be real.
I can be my one hundred percent authentic self. My completely awkward and odd and ridiculous and flirty self. My anxious and unsure self. My creative and wanderlust self.
You get it; I can be me.
So this is for You. Thank you for letting me into your life and for being a part of mine. I couldn’t have asked for more but you continue to give me more and I feel so loved because of it.
So thank you, I love you.
If you’ve listened this far, thank you. I’m trying something new and I hope you’ll stick around to see more. I have other things in the works that will hopefully be coming out in the next couple weeks so stay tuned for that.
Until next time x