Looking Back

I’m a nostalgic person. I reminisce. A lot.

Personally, I don’t think this is a bad thing. Not that it’s particularly good, but Nostalgia walks that thin line between positive and negative. It can serve as a reminder of how far you’ve come and how much you’ve yet to grow. Or it can be a painful memory of how things were and the fight to get back to somewhere good.

Either way, I believe Nostalgia is a teacher.

For me, I look back at who I was and think to myself, “Honey, you don’t even know what’s coming.”

A part of me wishes I could go back to that girl and warn her; give her a step-by-step guide on how to avoid some of our more life-changing choices (read: mistakes).

But I also know that that girl would probably laugh, tear up the list, and set it on fire. Yes, I was one of those kids.

Not that I’ve changed all that much over the last couple years, but I will say how I use my “rebellious spirit” has become more productive and less taxing on my own health.

Anyway, I was inspired to write this post by listening to She Used to be Mine by Sara Bareilles from the musical The Waitress. It’s a beautiful and ever-so-slightly heartbreaking song that just screams nostalgia and the anxiety of moving on. And a particular line not only hits me but leaves me in the dirt to stare at a black sky.

If you’ve been following me for a while then you’ll know that I’ve dealt with some very toxic relationships. One in particular.

Honestly, I hate myself for still talking about him almost three years later. And the feeling of being “bruised and getting used” is something I know too well, even if the details aren’t perfect copies.

All that said, I look at the girl I used to be and still wonder about that dreaded,

What if?

I could go on forever, listing every “what if” I’ve ever dared to think and even a few I’ve been too guilty to even let myself dwell on. But that isn’t the point of this post.

There’s one question I’ve always been a little too afraid to outright answer. Until now.

Did I have to go through the things I did to become the person I am today?

First, I need to say that I don’t hate who I am today. I really, truly, honestly, don’t. In fact, I really like who I am. I’d even go so far as to say I love who I am.

Am I perfect? No. But no one is and I only see that as motivation to be better. Better, not perfect. I’ve already spent too long going after the impossible, I’m not gonna put myself through that again. At least, I’ll try not to.

But to actually answer that question, I don’t know. I really don’t.

I feel like some people would only be more upset and anxiety-ridden to answer any question (let alone this one) with such a flippant sounding answer. But for me it’s like letting out a breath I’ve been holding for years and years.

I will never know if I “had” to go through those things. But I can choose to be okay with not knowing.

And I don’t know about you, but that feels pretty damn good.

Until next time x

Photo by petradr on Unsplash

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