I think I’ve said it before, but I pick up new skills pretty fast. Part of it is because I learned how to keep learning and improving. But mostly, it’s because it was my way of keeping myself safe.
I grew up in a strict home and there were certain expectations of me. And I figured out that in order to meet those expectations, I had to be fast on the uptake.
On one hand, it’s not a bad skill to have. It’s certainly helped me throughout my life so far. But the truth is I was afraid of failing to meet the expectations of others. More than that, I was afraid of the disappointment and backlash that came from that failure. And rest assured, there was backlash.
I do believe in a healthy amount of anxiety and fear to keep you on your toes and doing your best work. But the amount I had on my shoulders was enough to send me into a downward spiral of neuroticism.
Every little mistake I made was immediately obvious and I hated myself for them. Because as much as I loathed my imperfections, those feelings didn’t hold a candle to the fury and disappointment that radiated from the people that I wanted to (but really shouldn’t have) impressed. It made me fear failure more than anything else. It made me feel as though a mistake was a life sentence, that every wrong move would be met with scalding glares and a raised hand.
It was misery incarnate.
So I learned how to be fast. How to learn fast. How to be the best.
A shield to protect myself.
After all, no one can be mad if I don’t fuck up.
Until next time x